Monday, July 7, 2014

Hootie's Vacation Recap: An Open letter to Delta Airlines, Book Bash 2014 & Other Misc Fuckery!

an extended period of recreation, especially one spent away from home or in traveling.
"he took a vacation in the south of France"
synonyms: break, time off, recess, leave, leave of absence, furlough, sabbatical, spring break;

Vacation. Upon hearing this word you probably envision a tropical location with white sandy beaches and frozen Pina Colada's while sunbathing. Maybe picture a local hottie rubbing you with Hawaiian Tropic #4 for that sun kissed look. If I close my eyes I can almost see it. 

*Closes eyes real tight*

Mmm... Wait! WHAT? 

ON Thursday June 26th my vacation began like any normal getaway would. I boarded a plane bound for Atlanta then it would be into Orlando where I would run into the bosom of my bestie and co-blogger, Globug! Picture Perfect ending right? Not exactly. See while my flight from home to ATL (represent!) was uneventful my flight from the Dirty South to Orlando became a nightmare I won't soon forget. We departed on time at 12:30 but roughly thirty minutes into the flight the captain announced we would have to turn back because there was mechanical difficulties with the cabin air pressure being unstable and the plane would need to be fixed. NO big deal right? Well, one can always hope. Once on the ground maintenance crew came aboard, tinkered with it for about thirty minutes, signed off on the work, it was off we go! 

*radio static*

"Ladies and Gentleman we regret to inform you that maintenance was not sufficiently satisfied with the work performed on the aircraft and will need to come back on to tinker some more."

Are we staying or going? Nobody knew. At one point we were told we could catch the 2:00 flight to Orlando but this was at 1:30 and I figured by the time I got off the plane and made it to the gate the other flight would have left so I stayed on the plane of doom. The only other flight out to Orlando was at 7:00 that night and by this time poor Globug had been waiting at the Orlando airport since 11 am to pick me up! They finally let us off the plane while the work was being done to get some food because it was well after 2pm and everyone was bitchy and starving. We were advised to stay close to the gate in case we got the clearance to leave. No problem. I took a piss, grabbed some Chik Fil A and hauled my ass back to the plane only to be told we couldn't be let back on. That they had closed the gates. 

#MassConfusionAbounds as I damn near threw a hissy fit to be let back on my flight! I was told I could leave to get food. Thankfully there were about 60 other assholes who got off to feed and backed me up and we were let back on. Ok! So...I'm back on the plane, I got my nuggets and a few fries down before we were cleared for takeoff. I chucked my shit under the seat planning to eat when we were airborne and stowed my shit like a good passenger. As we were backing out of the gate the entire plane lost power. Just shut off. 

Yeah that can't be good huh? Apparently the plane needed to be rebooted like your everyday average computer. Who knew? Once the plane had it's period we finally, FINALLY started moving in the direction of the runway and onward to Orlando. With cabin air pressure fixed we spread our wings and reached 30,000 feet within minutes and were all set to make good time to get me to the airport in Orlando (by the way, are you tired of hearing the word Orlando yet?) when the Capt'n comes on and apologizes for the air conditioning not working because it had to be cut off in order to fix the cabin pressure. At that point I didn't give a fuck what was up just as long as I got to where I needed to go...which was? Say it with me...

(see what I did there?)

Pay attention children cuz this is where the story gets good! About thirty minutes into THIS flight all hell broke loose when the oxygen masks fell out of the ceiling and the plane dipped unexpectedly like a roller coaster ride.

 Because the bitch was ghetto rigged already and had lost power backing out of the gate I started to panic thinking my country ass was gone die. My only thoughts were that this would be my life. On my left was a fat guy in a sleeveless shirt who smelled like vintage piss and two lovebirds next to me who couldn't keep their hands off each other the whole trip.

 Dude would press his face between the seats to kiss on his girlfriend. *Gag me* I can't keep a man so that was nice to see plus my last meal would have been Chik-Fil-A. It's fucking poetic justice for the way my life, up to that point, had gone.

 So I'm sitting there, in my 17 inch seat with my 40 foot ass shoved in it, freaking the fuck out with a yellow mask on my face, while the flight attendant tries to reassure us everything was OK with her voice warbling the entire time. It was like Piglet trying to reassure me "Oh D-D-D-Deeear"

Thankfully though the plane eventually leveled out and the Pilot calmed our fears that everything was fine, it was just the "Fixed" cabin pressure going out again. No need to worry because he got us down to 10,000 and some breathable air. When the wheels of the plane touched solid ground the entire I mean plane, erupted in applause and a chorus of thankful black folks hollering "Thank ya Jaysus!" while I pulled my heart from my rectum. Delta pilots have a wonderful (heavy sarcasm) sense of humor because that was the time our Captain decided to hit the intercom and say..

"Ok folks, sorry about that. You'll be happy to know we're putting this one to bed"

Yeah. He really said that. I know right? Anyway, I think I got on all fours and started licking the air walk as soon as I got off that plane! I grabbed my bag and hauled ass to the waiting arms of my best friend

It was all worth it to get this picture!

I'd like to extend an open letter to Delta airlines at this time.

Dear Delta,

Thank you for scaring me and shaving off several years from my life. Years I could have spent getting married, making babies and watching my grandchildren shoot shit like normal country folks. I don't need any help getting to the grave because I am already one bag of Doritos away but thanks for trying. Although this was one of the WORST flight experiences I have ever encountered, your quick response to make up for it was amazing and left me speechless. I didn't have to ask, you just offered. For that, I commend you.

 And while your Pilot had a sort of macabre sense of humor the Flight Attendants managed to soften the blow with witty remarks such as "Welcome to Seattle the current local time is..." which was funny because we landed in Orlando. That was a total LOL moment. Not to mention the hilarious quip of "Remember ladies and Gentlemen. What happens on Delta, goes straight to social media". I don't know who said this but find her and give her a cookie. 

I'm not mad at you Delta. Everyone has an off day. I just hope next time you take some Midol before you leave home. Thanks for the memories I will hopefully be able to tell my grandchildren someday.


Next stop was the Doubletree hotel to begin a three day spree leading up to...

After the flight from hell all I wanted to do was hang out with my friends,

me and Andrea @ The Bookish Babe

Hootie and @Globug70
(I was totally hung over in this picture don't judge me!)

me and my #Clefty Autumn from The Autumn Review

(Me, Autumn, Andrea and Valerie from Stuck In Books)

have a few drinks...

Hazel BREWnette at BJ's!

2 for 1 special at the hotel ::hiccup::

(Me slightly tipsy but what's Globug's excuse? She took this pic LOL!)

(Obviously I had a lot of drinks) 

...and enjoy meeting some of my favorite authors! 

One of the highlights of my Book Bash experience was getting to meet author R.L. Griffin. The Ross to my Rachel. 

This moment was epic for me because I have been looking forward to meeting her since I started reading her books. Granted she pissed me off and broke my heart in Seamless, I still love her dearly and look forward to more from her in the future. If you haven't read her books, YOU MUST!

The event itself was pretty tame. Nobody fainted or cried like a psycho. Unlike last year when several people hit the deck after meeting their favorite authors in person. I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to seeing it again this year.

I got to meet Kylie Scott who signed a copy of Lick for me (Original cover!) and although I didn't get a picture with her it was still awesome to see her there! She came from Australia mates! *fist pump*

I was fortunate enough to work for author K.A. Tucker whose table just so happen to be directly across from my Ross and author Natasha Boyd. Double win!

K.A. Tucker is an absolute doll, completely down to earth and takes a joke on the chin like a BOSS! Also I got to meet a well known blogger, Natasha from Natasha Is A Book Junkie! She knew who I was! How crazy is that shit? Another fabulous chick, she is.

Me with Debbie from Keep Calm And Read Romance! I loved meeting this chick because she laughs at everything I say! HA! She's such a sweetheart and I'm really glad she came over to say hi to me. I would've been sad if I missed seeing her. 

Do you know who Assad Shalhoub is? Me either, but Globug, being the cover model extraordinaire that she is, knew him and forced him to sit at our table and talk! He's such a sweet guy with a kick ass sense of humor and put up with all the psycho cougars that followed him around all weekend. I was trying to be stealthy and get a shot of him without being a stalker myself but I was wasted and it turned out stupid looking. OH well, he signed my copy of Heart In Wire! I WIN!

Top 5 Book Bash Highlights:

1.) Tessa Bailey told me she loved my reviews and remembered me for my masterbation closet remark in reference to her books!

2.) I got to hug author S. Walden and fangirl a little bit. I didn't have time to get a pic but it was still awesome!

3.) Drinking for twelve straight hours with Andrea and spilling beer everywhere. (Sorry Doubletree cleaning crew. It couldn't be helped.)

4.) An accident in the middle of the night I stepped in. (See #3)

5.) When Globug glitter bombed Colleen Hoover right in the fucking honker! LOL

Post Book Bash was a blast and a half! Watching Pitch Perfect with my #Clefty on the patio at her sister's crib was nice!

( Son of a bitch! I look pregnant in this picture! Gotta lay of the beer)

I've never watched a movie outside and I figured out why soon after the movie started...BUGS! Everyone was getting bitten so we moved this fiesta indoors after a while.

I spent the Monday after Book Bash weekend reading Angel's Halo #2: Entangled by the pool and soaking up some rays in between downpours. Florida weather is absolutely hit or miss.

Spent time with one of the most down to earth authors I've ever met, Tina Reber and her awesome little family. (Thanks for the grub T!)

THE DYNAMIC DUO! Globug and Hootie! We went to see the movie Tammy and ended up laughing our asses off!

Got a pic of Glo mid sentence discussing cover models! Look at the excitement. Can't you feel it? LOL! I love her! 

One of the most awesome things to happen to me on this trip was grabbing a few Florida Lotto Powerball tickets before I left at the request of several friends who thought I was Lucky to survive such a nightmarish beginning to this trip. I didn't think I would win because nobody has THAT kind of luck, especially not me. I got the shock of my life when I woke up and checked the numbers and found out I had not only won back the initial $4.00 it cost for the tickets but I ended up pocketing $100 too! (Which will pay for all the damn books I bought at Book Bash LOL!) So not only did I get a free trip due to Delta refunding my ticket and crediting me a travel voucher but I actually made money to go on vacation!

 I had to check and make sure I was still me and wasn't body snatched and put in someone Else's carcass. Shit like this doesn't happen to me man! 

All good things must come to an end and sadly reality has set back in. It's back to work for me and back to blogging, starting with this post. Looking back this was one of the most crazy and amazing vacations I have ever had in my life! I needed a long vacation full of fun, laughter and excitement and I think I got more than my fair share. Don't you think? What are some of your best vacation memories? Can you top mine? If so leave me a comment about your best/worst vacay memories!

Love, Hootie


  1. I love this post! I keep having random BB weekend flashbacks, Hangover, style. I'm sorry for your squishy toes. I feel like I should write an apology letter to DoubleTree. I forgot about spilling beer all over the lobby until reading this. Oops!

    So. Much. Fun!

  2. I see where I FUCKING mention at all.

  3. I thought we were friends, damn you!

  4. OMG you are killing my ass!!! BAHAHAHAHA! I wanna go to book bash but I woulda risked my life to be on that flight with your ass!!!! PML!!!

  5. god. I would have lost my shit. I've been on one that shut off like that when pulling away and then wanted to fly us over the ocean.!

    Glad you made it and yall had a blast!


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